Boiling Vegetables

You take something that's 90% water and fill it with more water? How does that work? 

FOUR TAGS ON MY BAGELS!!! WHAT THE HELL DO I DO NOW??!!!

Why we can't call Superman Superman

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It's Superman!

-No wait, we can't call him Superman, that's sexist, we've got to call him Superperson.
-But we can't call him Superperson because he's an alien, we've got to call him Superalien.
-But then all the aliens are super, so he's just a normal alien.
-We can't call him an alien because that's racist...so he's just a normal...thing.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It's a normal...........thing...

How I got away with this as a GCSE mock English exam answer

My Life Lessons
By Sir Chucky Vandertramp

The sole fact of life is: with money and gumption you'll get far. Indeed my entire life has been testament to this great statement.
Born at the age of 0 into a family stricken with abject riches, I remember my father was so rich he was despairingly driven to unemployment and to drink (only Chateau la Fort 1863, of course). My mother was so rich she died of boredom in the summer of '69, having bought all the copies of "Surfin' Bird" by the Trashmen in existence. The 112th replay killed her. And so it came to pass that it was my mother's death that year that gave me the self-determination to leave home by myself and venture into the expansive world, in search of a better life. But this better life found me in the form of £200,000 a month allowance from my father. That was it, I'd made it. With nothing but my own willpower and just general gumption I'd made it on my own as a self made man.
But, just as Jesus found, enternal happiness (money) wasn't without a small price to pay... After investing all my hard earned cash in founding my very own chain of stores in the tar and feather business I found, owing to an abundance of supply and little or next to no demand, that no one actually gave a damn about tar and feathers. I filed for bankruptcy in my 30th year and was forced to live on the streets. It was during this depressing point in my life that I took some time to find myself (half an hour). Looking back now I can see that this probably wasn't the best idea as finding myself required rather a lot of crawling around in the sewers. During this failure I asked myself, "Who are you, Chucky Vandertramp? Did your mother die so that you could be up to your armpits in sewage?" I found myself bewildered at what I'd done, but I would change. The new age of Chucky dawned. No more swimming in sewage, no more taking things for granted, now Sir Chucky Vandertramp would fight.
The next morning I desperately staggered out of my poverty and finally stood up for myself. Tired, hungry and confused, I practically crawled back home and asked my father for another million.
Now, on my fleet of luxury cruise liners, I sail the world, diligently searching for those as rich as me to give them the charity and respite they need to escape the horrors of being ridiculously wealthy. Looking back on my life I can see it was these life lessons I've described, (my mother's death, my million, bankruptcy, my first million as a new man) that shaped me into the reformed angel that I am today. And it just goes to show that money and gumption (but mostly money) can get you wherever you want to be.

Signed: ChuckyVandertramp

If Elvis is dead, how come we still have really old recordings of him?

Some people become a different person around certain people.

That's not true, they just become different aspects of themselves. 

Fact #4

The word, 'melon', as in the fruit, originates from the original name 'Milan fruit', named after the city from which the melons originate. As the fruit became more widespread across the globe the name evolved as accents differed from Milan fruit, to just Milan, to millon, to melon. Fact.

Why iTunes gets the album covers so horribly wrong

Normally I wouldn't mind when the 'automatically-download-artwork' feature in iTunes get's the wrong album cover. I mean  when it gives me the cover for 'Stevie Wonder: Greatest Hits' instead of 'Stevie Wonder: The Definitive Collection', it's not like I'm going to murder someone (much), I don't mind, it's not an issue.
Today however I thought that iTunes had taken it a step too far when I looked at my Jackson 5 album cover. It shows an orange cover, fine, a bunch of black guys dressed in white, yes, ok, they were black, almost, for a bit, most of them, still. But I had to look twice when I counted the number of men on the front to be six. Six men. Ok, that's fine, I've probably made a mistake. I check the artist, no, 'Jackson 5' it says, not 'Jackson 6'. Alright, maybe I typed it in wrong. TO THE INTERNET! Yep, no, definitely only five...
So, either the internet is wrong (hahaha, don't be stupid) or there was a sixth Jackson brother. Yes, that sounds plausible, probably called Jeff, who they kept in the attic and fed him on fish heads. But one night he manages to escape, brush the fish-heads off and dress himself in a white suit to suddenly photo-bomb the 5's next album shoot. And everyone knows the Jackson family can't count, so no one noticed...Until now!
...Or iTunes just got the cover wrong. Meh, I'm sure I can still sell that story to the tabloids.

Oh here's another one: so I have a song from the soundtrack to 'The Hills', nice MTV reality show and iTunes gives me the album cover to 'The Hills Run Red', nice ultra-violent spaghetti western...

The Penny

I gave a penny to a boy

Who spent it on a wooden toy.

The boy that he had bought it from

Had been saving for a plastic gun.

The toy seller kept a penny from this profit
Which rolled down a drain when I dropped it.

The penny was chipped but still intact

Until eaten by a hungry rat.

The rat it ran out onto the street

To be flattened by a passing jeep.

The rat rotted and was washed away

But the penny remained until one day

A passer by picked it up

Crying, "Ooh, now I have good luck!"

Forgetting he was in the street

And was flattened by another jeep.

The penny it rolled through the town

Into a river to drown.

Where it was eaten by a fish.

The fish was caught

And the fisherman thought

"What a lovely meal

This will be for us all."

His family of five

Ate the fish to find

The daughter with a sore tooth

And a penny in her mouth.

She said it was lucky

And put it on a shelf for all to see.

Years later she left

And her parents thought it best

To sell the house,

Move somewhere else

And sit out the rest.

Today I am excited

To move into the house I've always wanted.

As I peer round the door

There, on the floor,

A copper coin staring back at me,

A flash in my memory,

But oh no, I forgot it

And slip the penny into my pocket.

Why tipping up crisp packets always goes horribly wrong

You know the situation; you’re happily enjoying a packet of crisps, peacefully munching away. Then towards the end of the packet, HELL ITSELF UNFOLDS. You straighten out one edge of the packet and gradually raise one corner to your mouth to allow those final unreachable crumbs to slide onto your waiting tongue. BUT! You failed to flatten the edge of the packet causing the crumbs to get stuck. Unable to see  what calamities are occurring right under your nose  you foolishly shake the packet, to get those last crumbs and spray salt and vinegar in your eyes.

Ok, perhaps you're not quite that malcoordinated, but perhaps you are the person who still has quite a few large crisps at the bottom but becomes impatient and greedily begins this idiotic process early, causing the large crisps to fall and cut your lip. Maybe I’m just incredibly clumsy, maybe I’m the only one stupid enough to partially blind myself during a simple act of consuming crisps. Besides all this, be damned those people who, upon finishing their packets, tear it open into one flat sheet which they then lick up any remaining content until clean.

Ow! I just bit my lip, I suppose that will teach me to chew gum...but the pain has subsided and I’m still chewing.

Does that make me a liar or a hypocrite?

Where am I?

Ah, yes crisps, I like crisps, so why do they taunt me so?