Things I Don't Understand: 04/10/13

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

Why tipping up crisp packets always goes horribly wrong

You know the situation; you’re happily enjoying a packet of crisps, peacefully munching away. Then towards the end of the packet, HELL ITSELF UNFOLDS. You straighten out one edge of the packet and gradually raise one corner to your mouth to allow those final unreachable crumbs to slide onto your waiting tongue. BUT! You failed to flatten the edge of the packet causing the crumbs to get stuck. Unable to see what calamities are occurring right under your nose you foolishly shake the packet, to get those last crumbs and spray salt and vinegar in your eyes.

Ok, perhaps you're not quite that malcoordinated, but perhaps you are the person who still has quite a few large crisps at the bottom but becomes impatient and greedily begins this idiotic process early, causing the large crisps to fall and cut your lip. Maybe I’m just incredibly clumsy, maybe I’m the only one stupid enough to partially blind myself during a simple act of consuming crisps. Besides all this, be damned those people who, upon finishing their packets, tear it open into one flat sheet which they then lick up any remaining content until clean.

Ow! I just bit my lip, I suppose that will teach me to chew gum...but the pain has subsided and I’m still chewing.

Does that make me a liar or a hypocrite?

Where am I?

Ah, yes crisps, I like crisps, so why do they taunt me so?

Introduction

(or is it preface, or forward, or prologue -no, wait that’s novels, like epilogue, it probably doesn’t matter, I think they’re all the same so I’ll just combine them all together:)

Preprointroforwardlogueface.

When reading this list in the future please don’t see me as the clever dashing, handsome, successful, famous knighted billionaire with twelve Oscars and four Nobel prizes that I am (no pressure future self (Oh! This is cool I’m talking to my future self! Ok, um...has the time machine been invented yet? If it has come back in time and tell me. Do you see this era now as I see the seventies now (really crap)? Oh, and has everything become even more outrageous (like now compared with a hundred years ago or so in terms of public swearing nudity and stuff like that)? Has Cliff Richard died yet? Has Walt Disney’s head been unfrozen? Are all televisions in 3d without glasses, or has the hype died down like I predicted it would as what happened in the fifties? Have bracket this big with other brackets in and double brackets been legalised?)) but, as the lazy teenager that I was, somewhere in the middle of nowhere (Scotland) dying of boredom, writing rubbish because when a teacher comes into my room it looks vaguely like prep or revision, both of which should be abolished. See me as a man stuck in the age of the teens, that obscene time when it’s not worth doing if it has no point to it, unless I say it doesn’t have a point and then I have cause to do it. Floating in this absurd decade where pop culture references don’t work any more but we don’t have a future to think of because it will be eaten by SUVs (or something, I fell asleep when he said “inconvenient”) and when a song will only sell well if it features “Lil Wayne”. But anyway, this is a list of stuff that I just don’t get and that you shouldn’t either. But a word of warning, please don’t take me seriously...(or do if you’re taking this really seriously)....(which I am)....(no, seriously: life or death)....