Things I Don't Understand: 12/14/11

Wednesday 14 December 2011

Christmas Music

I wish it could be Christmas every day, then perhaps someone would get bored of the same old Christmas songs and write a few more. I don’t mean just spin out the same old rubbish you normally do, add in some bells and the word ‘Christmas’ to try to make an easy buck on the charts, I’m looking at you Coldplay. All I want for Christmas is for some new music, so that each year I don’t have to listen to the same 30 odd songs like my iPod’s stuck on replay, until Christmas pudding starts bleeding out of my ears. I think they do know it’s Christmas in Africa with band aid screeching at them non-stop for a whole month! "With gifts on the fire and fire on the tree" ...wait shouldn't Cliff Richard be singing in the choir invisible by now? Last Christmas I gave Wham a punch in the face. What kind of advice is ‘never do a tango with an Eskimo’ anyway? There are some songs I do like however: ‘Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me’,‘Christmas at Ground Zero’ and Tom Lehrer’s ‘Christmas Carol’, are all classics in my opinion. Throughout December it seems as if everyone forgets that any other genres exist, nothing but Christmas music is played on the radio, like good music has been erased from existence. But no matter how many Christmas number one holders I assassinate, people still follow the siren’s call of badly written music. I don’t care, though: if you want to listen to ‘Rocking around the Christmas Tree’ until your brain becomes a mince pie then be my guest, more food for the rest of us...

Introduction

(or is it preface, or forward, or prologue -no, wait that’s novels, like epilogue, it probably doesn’t matter, I think they’re all the same so I’ll just combine them all together:)

Preprointroforwardlogueface.

When reading this list in the future please don’t see me as the clever dashing, handsome, successful, famous knighted billionaire with twelve Oscars and four Nobel prizes that I am (no pressure future self (Oh! This is cool I’m talking to my future self! Ok, um...has the time machine been invented yet? If it has come back in time and tell me. Do you see this era now as I see the seventies now (really crap)? Oh, and has everything become even more outrageous (like now compared with a hundred years ago or so in terms of public swearing nudity and stuff like that)? Has Cliff Richard died yet? Has Walt Disney’s head been unfrozen? Are all televisions in 3d without glasses, or has the hype died down like I predicted it would as what happened in the fifties? Have bracket this big with other brackets in and double brackets been legalised?)) but, as the lazy teenager that I was, somewhere in the middle of nowhere (Scotland) dying of boredom, writing rubbish because when a teacher comes into my room it looks vaguely like prep or revision, both of which should be abolished. See me as a man stuck in the age of the teens, that obscene time when it’s not worth doing if it has no point to it, unless I say it doesn’t have a point and then I have cause to do it. Floating in this absurd decade where pop culture references don’t work any more but we don’t have a future to think of because it will be eaten by SUVs (or something, I fell asleep when he said “inconvenient”) and when a song will only sell well if it features “Lil Wayne”. But anyway, this is a list of stuff that I just don’t get and that you shouldn’t either. But a word of warning, please don’t take me seriously...(or do if you’re taking this really seriously)....(which I am)....(no, seriously: life or death)....