Things I Don't Understand: 12/11/11

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Why everything needs a Christmas special

It seems unnecessary to me, but everything has a Christmas special. I’m not just talking about TV shows with a one-off each year, but it also in films, video games, books and naked jam wrestling (it’s the same but everyone wears Santa hats). Even if you’re a totally unknown website that has barely got a couple of views, why does a Christmas special have to be the standard practice? I know that the adverts on TV send out an encrypted wavelength that switches the brain’s mood from ‘suicidal’ to ‘Christmas!’ which can only be turned off with a sledgehammer, but that doesn’t mean that everything needs to cash in. If everything has a special it’s not special anymore. No one needs a Christmas special, not Star Wars, not Johnny Cash, not CSI, not Pac-man and not He-Man (yes all of these have had Christmas specials, don’t ask me how it works, it doesn't). Oh, and can you please leave poor Ebeneezer Scrooge alone, no, put down the clubs: I think he’s stopped breathing...

Introduction

(or is it preface, or forward, or prologue -no, wait that’s novels, like epilogue, it probably doesn’t matter, I think they’re all the same so I’ll just combine them all together:)

Preprointroforwardlogueface.

When reading this list in the future please don’t see me as the clever dashing, handsome, successful, famous knighted billionaire with twelve Oscars and four Nobel prizes that I am (no pressure future self (Oh! This is cool I’m talking to my future self! Ok, um...has the time machine been invented yet? If it has come back in time and tell me. Do you see this era now as I see the seventies now (really crap)? Oh, and has everything become even more outrageous (like now compared with a hundred years ago or so in terms of public swearing nudity and stuff like that)? Has Cliff Richard died yet? Has Walt Disney’s head been unfrozen? Are all televisions in 3d without glasses, or has the hype died down like I predicted it would as what happened in the fifties? Have bracket this big with other brackets in and double brackets been legalised?)) but, as the lazy teenager that I was, somewhere in the middle of nowhere (Scotland) dying of boredom, writing rubbish because when a teacher comes into my room it looks vaguely like prep or revision, both of which should be abolished. See me as a man stuck in the age of the teens, that obscene time when it’s not worth doing if it has no point to it, unless I say it doesn’t have a point and then I have cause to do it. Floating in this absurd decade where pop culture references don’t work any more but we don’t have a future to think of because it will be eaten by SUVs (or something, I fell asleep when he said “inconvenient”) and when a song will only sell well if it features “Lil Wayne”. But anyway, this is a list of stuff that I just don’t get and that you shouldn’t either. But a word of warning, please don’t take me seriously...(or do if you’re taking this really seriously)....(which I am)....(no, seriously: life or death)....