By Sir Chucky Vandertramp
The sole fact of life is: with money and gumption you'll get far. Indeed my entire life has been testament to this great statement.
Born at the age of 0 into a family stricken with abject riches, I remember my father was so rich he was despairingly driven to unemployment and to drink (only Chateau la Fort 1863, of course). My mother was so rich she died of boredom in the summer of '69, having bought all the copies of "Surfin' Bird" by the Trashmen in existence. The 112th replay killed her. And so it came to pass that it was my mother's death that year that gave me the self-determination to leave home by myself and venture into the expansive world, in search of a better life. But this better life found me in the form of £200,000 a month allowance from my father. That was it, I'd made it. With nothing but my own willpower and just general gumption I'd made it on my own as a self made man.
But, just as Jesus found, enternal happiness (money) wasn't without a small price to pay... After investing all my hard earned cash in founding my very own chain of stores in the tar and feather business I found, owing to an abundance of supply and little or next to no demand, that no one actually gave a damn about tar and feathers. I filed for bankruptcy in my 30th year and was forced to live on the streets. It was during this depressing point in my life that I took some time to find myself (half an hour). Looking back now I can see that this probably wasn't the best idea as finding myself required rather a lot of crawling around in the sewers. During this failure I asked myself, "Who are you, Chucky Vandertramp? Did your mother die so that you could be up to your armpits in sewage?" I found myself bewildered at what I'd done, but I would change. The new age of Chucky dawned. No more swimming in sewage, no more taking things for granted, now Sir Chucky Vandertramp would fight.
The next morning I desperately staggered out of my poverty and finally stood up for myself. Tired, hungry and confused, I practically crawled back home and asked my father for another million.
Now, on my fleet of luxury cruise liners, I sail the world, diligently searching for those as rich as me to give them the charity and respite they need to escape the horrors of being ridiculously wealthy. Looking back on my life I can see it was these life lessons I've described, (my mother's death, my million, bankruptcy, my first million as a new man) that shaped me into the reformed angel that I am today. And it just goes to show that money and gumption (but mostly money) can get you wherever you want to be.
Signed: ChuckyVandertramp
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