Things I Don't Understand: 01/26/12

Thursday 26 January 2012

McCoy's Crisps

McCoy's Crisps (manufactured by KP Snacks which is owned by United Biscuits (sorry but company ownership interests me, for example did you know that Mars, makers of Mars Bars, also make Dolmio sauce?) anyway) are marketed as "Man Crisps", MAN CRISPS: KOOORRR!! PHROARRR!!! Sexism is clever gimmick also used by Yorkie Bars: "not for girls" (Nestle) that successfully increases sales because men buy the product because it's targeted at them and women buy the product because they are told they can't have it. Genius, so how do you appeal to everyone? Discriminate. But I digest...
The thing that Puzzles me about McCoy's is that it is advertised as "Man Crisps" (because they're made with men, by men, for Ben...what?) yet they also advertise, "25% less fat". Now call me a stereotyping, misogynistic, sexist (actually please don't you'll make me cry) but I'm pretty sure most men don't care about that sort of thing? That kind of bribery belongs on an Activia shot, not PHOOAR crisps. Surely this is a particularly moronic oxymoron. So KP, save me the gender confusion (that's why I don't blind date) and instead write: "McCoy's: now 25% less manly" or "McCoy's: everyone crisps" or better still just buy Walkers where you only get half a packet full, because half the price goes to stopping it being sexist.

Introduction

(or is it preface, or forward, or prologue -no, wait that’s novels, like epilogue, it probably doesn’t matter, I think they’re all the same so I’ll just combine them all together:)

Preprointroforwardlogueface.

When reading this list in the future please don’t see me as the clever dashing, handsome, successful, famous knighted billionaire with twelve Oscars and four Nobel prizes that I am (no pressure future self (Oh! This is cool I’m talking to my future self! Ok, um...has the time machine been invented yet? If it has come back in time and tell me. Do you see this era now as I see the seventies now (really crap)? Oh, and has everything become even more outrageous (like now compared with a hundred years ago or so in terms of public swearing nudity and stuff like that)? Has Cliff Richard died yet? Has Walt Disney’s head been unfrozen? Are all televisions in 3d without glasses, or has the hype died down like I predicted it would as what happened in the fifties? Have bracket this big with other brackets in and double brackets been legalised?)) but, as the lazy teenager that I was, somewhere in the middle of nowhere (Scotland) dying of boredom, writing rubbish because when a teacher comes into my room it looks vaguely like prep or revision, both of which should be abolished. See me as a man stuck in the age of the teens, that obscene time when it’s not worth doing if it has no point to it, unless I say it doesn’t have a point and then I have cause to do it. Floating in this absurd decade where pop culture references don’t work any more but we don’t have a future to think of because it will be eaten by SUVs (or something, I fell asleep when he said “inconvenient”) and when a song will only sell well if it features “Lil Wayne”. But anyway, this is a list of stuff that I just don’t get and that you shouldn’t either. But a word of warning, please don’t take me seriously...(or do if you’re taking this really seriously)....(which I am)....(no, seriously: life or death)....