Things I Don't Understand: 02/05/12

Sunday 5 February 2012

Why the world rejects my supreme intelligence

I’ve had a blocked dose for some time now and after blowing down my nasal passage with the force of a Chuck Norris round house kick, I concluded that the problem was the bunged up mucus was too dry and had hardened so wouldn’t come out, no matter how many lumps of brain I blew out my ears. So I tried to be too clever for my own good and remembered that when crying you get a runny nose. This led me to assume that the tear ducts in the eyes were directly linked to my nose, true or not my resultant solution failed miserably. I took this fact and proceeded to tilt my head back and pour water into my furiously blinking eyes. This water was taken from my water bottle that sits stagnant on my desk festering a zoo of undiscovered bacteria. Thus this irritant was no moisturising eye drop, but more like a lemon juice shot through the eye of some nutter alcoholic. The water didn’t flow into my nose. So I’m still sitting here with a blocked up nose although now my eyes feel like they’re on fire.

Introduction

(or is it preface, or forward, or prologue -no, wait that’s novels, like epilogue, it probably doesn’t matter, I think they’re all the same so I’ll just combine them all together:)

Preprointroforwardlogueface.

When reading this list in the future please don’t see me as the clever dashing, handsome, successful, famous knighted billionaire with twelve Oscars and four Nobel prizes that I am (no pressure future self (Oh! This is cool I’m talking to my future self! Ok, um...has the time machine been invented yet? If it has come back in time and tell me. Do you see this era now as I see the seventies now (really crap)? Oh, and has everything become even more outrageous (like now compared with a hundred years ago or so in terms of public swearing nudity and stuff like that)? Has Cliff Richard died yet? Has Walt Disney’s head been unfrozen? Are all televisions in 3d without glasses, or has the hype died down like I predicted it would as what happened in the fifties? Have bracket this big with other brackets in and double brackets been legalised?)) but, as the lazy teenager that I was, somewhere in the middle of nowhere (Scotland) dying of boredom, writing rubbish because when a teacher comes into my room it looks vaguely like prep or revision, both of which should be abolished. See me as a man stuck in the age of the teens, that obscene time when it’s not worth doing if it has no point to it, unless I say it doesn’t have a point and then I have cause to do it. Floating in this absurd decade where pop culture references don’t work any more but we don’t have a future to think of because it will be eaten by SUVs (or something, I fell asleep when he said “inconvenient”) and when a song will only sell well if it features “Lil Wayne”. But anyway, this is a list of stuff that I just don’t get and that you shouldn’t either. But a word of warning, please don’t take me seriously...(or do if you’re taking this really seriously)....(which I am)....(no, seriously: life or death)....