I want Mordor.

You can't have Mordor. It's all Gondor.

Fear, Love and Understanding

My life changed in an instant

One bleak winter’s morning

A man rose onto a wooden box

To tell his story.

Many just walked by him

And why should they care?

The old man smiled at me,

The only one to stop and stare

He spread his arms out,

To a world that wasn’t listening

Ready to embrace them,

Forgiven for all that they were missing.

He spoke of all the world’s problems

In one simple phrase:

“Fear, love and understanding,

Are the words that you should praise

For fear keeps us orderly

And understanding keeps us sane

Love drives us onward

To do the things we do

And a slight imbalance of the three

Could split the world in two.

Fear love and understanding.

Understand love and fear.

Love fear and understanding.

Hold these three words dear

For these are the workings of all life

Without them the world is unclear”

I just gaped in awe, dumbstruck

That this man knew so much.

I gawped and blinked,

He smiled and winked.

I began skipping down the street,

Crying to people I did meet,

“Love one another,

Understand your neighbour,

Don’t fear what you don’t understand

But try to understand it better”

Most people turned and walked away,

Others shrieked and ran,

Because did not know these three words

They didn’t understand.

I told everybody that I knew

Of the world’s simple rule,

Though they just laughed

And told me I was a fool.

I travelled all around the world

Searching for someone who understood.

Eventually I settled down

And wrote my tale into a book.

My book made a fortune

And finally the world knew:

Fear, love and understanding

Would help this world pull through.

Governments changed their policies

To love and understand,

People helped strangers in the street

And held out a welcoming hand.

Years later I went back to the street

Where I first heard the old man preach.

The street had not changed one bit,

Except it was empty and bleak.

The wooden box had not moved,

Yet bore no speaker,

Only a copy of my book,

“Love, understand and fear”

I looked straight up towards the heavens,

Thankful I’d just stopped

And

Listened

To discover something that the others had not.

Nerds

I pose a new definition: 'a person committed to the perfection of unreality'.... Let me know if that's wrong. That's probably a more romantic version what is a derogatory term, but I guess a nerd is someone who spends there time in another world. That drive to perfect what is not real is another aspect as it is seemingly pointless to an outsider. Perhaps my definition is what nerds do, but is it what nerds are? I mean, everyone strives to perfect something that isn't really real, from athletes to architects, is that not the basic human drive within us all? Thus perhaps we are all nerds for our particular hobbies, or maybe just those strongly persistent... I don't know, my head hurts.

Words which aren’t themselves

Some words simply aren’t the things that they are describing, for example:

An adjective is a noun.

A letter is a word

Palindrome backwards is emordnilap

An oxymoron does not contradict itself (unless it actually means bull-like idiot)

Unusual is a very common word

A well know word to most English speakers is unfamiliar

A pillow is a rather sharp word, why each letter could easily take your eye out, except maybe the “o” I would happily sleep on that

Native is an immigrant to this language from Latin

A door is occasionally a jar

Breakeven will not divide equally

One word is not one word (then maybe it shouldn’t be on this list of one words)

Smelly doesn’t smell

Abbreviation is a long word

If random was random it would be spelt rd42yfghj

However turn of phrase is a turn of phrase.

Oh no! I think I'm blind!

I should see a doctor.

Your Mum

No, no, no. I’m not insulting you, I don’t get your mum jokes. Well I do, they’re just not funny. Some say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, it’s not, sarcasm is the highest form of wit...compared to adding the words your mum to the end of everything you say. I was first introduced to the wonderful world of your mum at about the age of 11, when I told an Aussie, “You’re stupid.” To which he instantly snapped back, “Your mum’s stupid.” “What? No she’s not.” “Nah, mate. It’s an Australian joke. When someone says something, you say “your mum.” And when someone says your mum to you, you say “your face.” and someone says your face, you say “your dog.” And when someone says your dog you say “your dog’s face.” And when someone says your dog’s face you say “your mum’s dog’s face” and then when someone says...” then he sort of trailed off as all his wit had dried up. Within a week the entire school was replying to every insult with “your aunt’s dog’s mum’s cat’s face” or the like. The phrase is no longer a weak come back but now a universal joke, to which everything is unhelpfully replied to with a “your mum” and a snigger. But now thankfully the joke is going out of fashion as people are quite rightly getting tired of it and people have discovered the best come back to a “your mum” joke is a short, sharp fist to the face.

Update: I wrote the above quite a while ago it now seems your mum has been thankfully eradicated from the earth, or perhaps I've just grown up so my ears have learnt to block out your mum and let in classical music.

"Thinking on your feet."

...that's why they have that chair on Mastermind. 

Moody

So my Skype just asked me what my mood was. Ok, it didn't but it gave me the option to write my mood and always being bad at describing my mood,  my first thought was to write 'mood', but that didn't make sense... So then I wanted to right 'moody' because that would be funny, 'mood: moody', but then I realised that it wasn't funny. So then I thought, 'Why does moody mean to be in a bad mood?'. Surely to be 'moody' would simply to be in a mood, or 'mood-like' (mood-like? that makes no sense... how can you be like a mood?). Therefore if you are in any mood, which is all the time, unless you are emotionless, as even nonchalance (love that word, just about know what it means) is a state of emotion, then you are 'moody'. Why then is moody presuming that you are in a negative mood? Does that say something about the human condition that the extreme is presumed to be towards the negative? Either way, I don't understand.