Why toast is evil

Toast is evil, probably a henchman to meringues and another nemesis to Cheeseman! (Always spelt with an exclamation mark! The masked vigilante sworn to protect the fridge from the evil Dr. Pepper but only Commissioner Cucumber knows his true identity: mild-mannered Mr. Strings.) Yes, as much as you love toast, and I love toast too, toast is evil...just look at it smirking. Toast is tasty but only if you can ever get to eat it. You see toast is intent of not being eaten or at least killing you in the process. Bread, ah bread. Bread is lovely, bread is perfection. Normally bread is a very stable element (Br₂) but when something is burnt or heated up it becomes angry, for example pouring boiling water down a rabbit hole will make hot cross bunnies. So when bread is heated it becomes an unstable element (A₃Br₂: angry bread, the correct compound name for toast) and the once angelic bread will do whatever it can to get revenge on you. Toast has many evil powers of annoyance at its disposal such as mind control, angry bread can make you forget you left it in the toaster on “inferno” setting. The toast is either blackened to an inedible crisp, that you can either break your teeth on or spend half an hour scraping, or, if the toast is feeling really evil the forgotten toast sets the house on fire. Another weapon at the food fiend’s disposal is being able to fly. Well, more like controlled falling, being able to either glide or dive rapidly the toast, when dropped from a height can control it’s fall to always land butter-side-down. As well as these two things, angry bread can also go soggy or cold at will but only when you don’t want it to. So on behalf of Cheeseman(!): I urge you to only ever eat bread to avoid the total destruction of the earth.

3:37

Three-thirty-seven is definitely the worst time of day, a time that seems to stand still, a time that causes, all across the world, mass calamity, disasters, global panic and just general confusion. May I explain, when someone asks you the time, you don’t reply twenty-one minutes, forty-three seconds and two milliseconds past two o’clock. No, unless you want a smack in the face, you round the number off to twenty past two. However, 3:37 (and the rare and even more frustrating thirty seconds past 3:37) poses the problem of, where does one round to? Twenty five to? Twenty to? Or even half past? You spend a minute, suspended in panic and confusion, wondering what to do, round up? Or round down? The person who asked begins to get impatient and angry and then becomes violent going on a rampage killing everyone he sees. Okay, maybe a slight over reaction, but this is the potential damage such an aggravating time can cause. Not only is it a confusing time of day, it is also the worst time of day, lunch has been, but now you’re hungry and supper still isn’t for a long time. You’re tired of working, but its ages until you can go home. A stress filled, dangerous time, is 3:37, in fact 3:37 causes more deaths alone than cheese cake-related accidents. Well okay, I just made that up as well, but 3:37 is potentially very, very dangerous, so beware.