Christmas Music

I wish it could be Christmas every day, then perhaps someone would get bored of the same old Christmas songs and write a few more. I don’t mean just spin out the same old rubbish you normally do, add in some bells and the word ‘Christmas’ to try to make an easy buck on the charts, I’m looking at you Coldplay. All I want for Christmas is for some new music, so that each year I don’t have to listen to the same 30 odd songs like my iPod’s stuck on replay, until Christmas pudding starts bleeding out of my ears. I think they do know it’s Christmas in Africa with band aid screeching at them non-stop for a whole month! "With gifts on the fire and fire on the tree" ...wait shouldn't Cliff Richard be singing in the choir invisible by now? Last Christmas I gave Wham a punch in the face. What kind of advice is ‘never do a tango with an Eskimo’ anyway? There are some songs I do like however: ‘Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me’,‘Christmas at Ground Zero’ and Tom Lehrer’s ‘Christmas Carol’, are all classics in my opinion. Throughout December it seems as if everyone forgets that any other genres exist, nothing but Christmas music is played on the radio, like good music has been erased from existence.  But no matter how many Christmas number one holders I assassinate, people still follow the siren’s call of badly written music. I don’t care, though: if you want to listen to ‘Rocking around the Christmas Tree’ until your brain becomes a mince pie then be my guest, more food for the rest of us...

Why everything needs a Christmas special

It seems unnecessary to me, but everything has a Christmas special. I’m not just talking about TV shows with a one-off each year, but it also in films, video games, books and naked jam wrestling (it’s the same but everyone wears Santa hats). Even if you’re a totally unknown website that has barely got a couple of views, why does a Christmas special have to be the standard practice? I know that the adverts on TV send out an encrypted wavelength that switches the brain’s mood from ‘suicidal’ to ‘Christmas!’ which can only be turned off with a sledgehammer, but that doesn’t mean that everything needs to cash in. If everything has a special it’s not special anymore. No one needs a Christmas special, not Star Wars, not Johnny Cash, not CSI, not Pac-man and not He-Man (yes all of these have had Christmas specials, don’t ask me how it works, it doesn't). Oh, and can you please leave poor Ebeneezer Scrooge alone, no, put down the clubs: I think he’s stopped breathing...

Honorific­abilitud­initatibus

Just plain and simply I have absolutely no idea what this word means. It is apparently the longest word in the English language although it is actually Latin... And apparently, the word was used in a Shakespeare play, which, personally, I don’t think counts as being an English word, considering he spelt half the words wrong. I don’t think anyone uses it in day to day language (probably because no one knows its meaning or can remember how to say it) so I don’t think it is fundamental to my existence (or is it? (–oh God!)). Is a double bracket allowed? Well my word processor doesn't say so, so I suppose its ok. Is “so, so” ok? Well my word processor doesn’t say so, so I suppose its ok. Had. Had “had” had had a subject and a verb it would have been a sentence, however “had” had had no subject or verb so(, so) most of the last two sentences are underlined and  that little paper clip is trying to kill itself with the mouse pointer in sheer despair of my grammatical injustice. No, that’s a lie, I don’t have that paperclip any more. I really miss him. I know everyone hated him but I thought he was cute and really quite knowledgeable, just generally a nice person, sorry: virtual, anthropomorphic program wizard. MICROSOFT...IF YOU’RE READING THIS THEN PLEASE BRING BACK THAT PAPERCLIP-GUY-THIngy, or have they? Wait a sec...no, no I just searched my computer and it wasn't there so, yeah, MICROSOFT JUST READ the thing above, YEAH? –yeah I think they got the message. God I miss that poor little guy, all out on his own in cyberspace, with that dog and that wizard and that alien who could all do tricks and stuff. DAMN YOU BILL GATES FOR BRINGING SUCH FALSE HOPE TO A WORLD OF UNEMPLOYED ANTHROPOMORPHIC SEARCH ENGINE CHARACTERS! Is this kind of murderous nostalgia for a family of computer programs healthy? I can answer that: no.

Why toast is evil

Toast is evil, probably a henchman to meringues and another nemesis to Cheeseman! (Always spelt with an exclamation mark! The masked vigilante sworn to protect the fridge from the evil Dr. Pepper but only Commissioner Cucumber knows his true identity: mild-mannered Mr. Strings.) Yes, as much as you love toast, and I love toast too, toast is evil...just look at it smirking. Toast is tasty but only if you can ever get to eat it. You see toast is intent of not being eaten or at least killing you in the process. Bread, ah bread. Bread is lovely, bread is perfection. Normally bread is a very stable element (Br₂) but when something is burnt or heated up it becomes angry, for example pouring boiling water down a rabbit hole will make hot cross bunnies. So when bread is heated it becomes an unstable element (A₃Br₂: angry bread, the correct compound name for toast) and the once angelic bread will do whatever it can to get revenge on you. Toast has many evil powers of annoyance at its disposal such as mind control, angry bread can make you forget you left it in the toaster on “inferno” setting. The toast is either blackened to an inedible crisp, that you can either break your teeth on or spend half an hour scraping, or, if the toast is feeling really evil the forgotten toast sets the house on fire. Another weapon at the food fiend’s disposal is being able to fly. Well, more like controlled falling, being able to either glide or dive rapidly the toast, when dropped from a height can control it’s fall to always land butter-side-down. As well as these two things, angry bread can also go soggy or cold at will but only when you don’t want it to. So on behalf of Cheeseman(!): I urge you to only ever eat bread to avoid the total destruction of the earth.

3:37

Three-thirty-seven is definitely the worst time of day, a time that seems to stand still, a time that causes, all across the world, mass calamity, disasters, global panic and just general confusion. May I explain, when someone asks you the time, you don’t reply twenty-one minutes, forty-three seconds and two milliseconds past two o’clock. No, unless you want a smack in the face, you round the number off to twenty past two. However, 3:37 (and the rare and even more frustrating thirty seconds past 3:37) poses the problem of, where does one round to? Twenty five to? Twenty to? Or even half past? You spend a minute, suspended in panic and confusion, wondering what to do, round up? Or round down? The person who asked begins to get impatient and angry and then becomes violent going on a rampage killing everyone he sees. Okay, maybe a slight over reaction, but this is the potential damage such an aggravating time can cause. Not only is it a confusing time of day, it is also the worst time of day, lunch has been, but now you’re hungry and supper still isn’t for a long time. You’re tired of working, but its ages until you can go home. A stress filled, dangerous time, is 3:37, in fact 3:37 causes more deaths alone than cheese cake-related accidents. Well okay, I just made that up as well, but 3:37 is potentially very, very dangerous, so beware.